Most of you know that in February, I broke my wrist. Ouch. Major ouch. Yeah, I was trying out this cool thing call snowboarding. Everyone kept telling me how fun it was and how I should totally go for it! So I did. I took about six lessons. And on the sixth lesson, I was getting ready for a race, accidentally hit an ice block, and when my stupid board got stuck in it, I fell. So fun, I know. Still did the race though. So HC. But anyways, I'm getting sidetracked again. I had to have a cast on for about 6 weeks. I was not impressed with that. But I learned something very important.
After a week with a cast on, I began to go a little crazy. I missed my violin. I missed my fiddling time. And I must have hurt my ribs a little bit, because it got pretty sore when I sang. So singing was painful for a while, and fiddling was out of the question.
The day after I started to go crazy, a very wonderful woman, who has influenced my life in many ways, and who I call Oma, passed away. She had been battling cancer for a long time and finally went to be with Jesus. I'm not exactly sure of what I should say at this point, but I was definitely shocked. And I was definitely in the I-need-my-violin mode. But of course I couldn't play.
Music is my way of healing. I feel incomplete when I can't sing or can't play. And humming was a poor substitute for it all. Without music, I didn't know how I could possibly heal. So I packed away all of my sadness and left it there. But something strange happened. I suddenly didn't feel like singing. And even though I wanted to play my violin, it wasn't so bad anymore. I felt okay just leaving it all, because I didn't know how to cope anymore.
One week passed and I was totally okay with doing this. But when a few more days had gone by, something else came up. Another very special person who I love passed away. I don't like to write about it and I don't like to talk about it, so I won't. But that affected me a lot. It was sudden and with the last loss so fresh, I didn't quite know how to deal with things. So I got angry. I don't mean the Let's-trash-everything-and-destroy-everything angry. Just the kind of anger that stays bottled up inside.
I was pretty angry with God. I had no way of dealing with any of this. And I felt lonely and different. I had a lot of friends who helped me through this. But a few of them told me that it wasn't okay to be angry with God. Well, why not? We're angry with the people we love all the time. Why isn't it okay to be angry with God? He knows what we're feeling anyways, it's not like we can hide anything from Him. In fact, I told Him a few times that I was angry. I kept loving Him and following Him, but I was still angry.
It took a while to realize something. For so long, ever since I can remember, I'd been relying on music to heal me. To help me through things. To comfort me. Music was my go-to. And that's not how it's supposed to be. I was forgetting that God needed to come first in my life. He was my comfort. He was my healer. He was my strong tower. I can't believe how mistaken I've been until now! I've always thought that I had a pretty strong bond with God. But how strong can it be if I don't even go to Him for healing?
And it's strange, but as soon as I realized that, my wrist was okay to go. Everything was healed. Couldn't even tell it had been hurt in the first place! There was a possibility that it would never fully heal, but with God's powers and my realization, it happened. I've always had faith in God, faith in His healing abilities, but now, I finally have faith in His ability to heal me emotionally and spiritually, not just physically. Because God is a healer in everything.
And yes, things still get rough now and then, and at times, I still question why everything went wrong. But even when things don't look so good, we can't see the bigger picture. We don't know what will happen. God makes beautiful things out of the dust. So when things turn to dust, just hold on. They'll get better. When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.
